A note from a friend

So I was talking to a friend and he/she let me read something they had wrote and it seemed to put what I had been feeling into words alot better than I have been able to. Apparently its not depression, its this funk thats been going around. Anyways here it is:

"I want things back to normal. My normal, the ridiculous live life to the fullest impulsively subborn jumper me. I dont know what has happened. I feel so empty and heartless. I have no passion or reason. I miss laughing and smiling, even jumping. Most of the time, my jumps were stupid and the consequences difficult, but it's better than this nothingness. Atleast jumping was doing something. I'm doing stuff, but thats it, like going through the motions. Not apathy. There is some apathy. What kills me, is like today when Chris's dad had a heart attack, I wanted to help but I couldn't. It's like I'm drowning. I can't hold anyone up, not even myself. There's still apart of me fighting, but fot he most part, I'm giving up. I can't bring myself back this time. Neither can Abram or Sherri. My biggest passion, the reason for everything I do, is helping people and I can't do it anymore. I'm so far gone that I can't even help myself. I dont know what to do and I'm scared. I don't like this. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster, only taking 2 seconds to go from teh top to the bottom or balancing on a tightrope where the least little shift could send me to the ground.

Something else that hurts is seeing the pain and concern on my friends faces. They dont know what to do either. They can pray and try to love me, but I'm rejecting it. All of a sudden I'm rejecting God too. I know it and I dont want to go to Him. I was so in love with HIm and I dont know where it went.

Everyday, I look at my pictures, laughing w/my friends, jumping off cliffs, kayaking, smiling,. I see loved ones who I can't help, who can't help me. I see BJ and Tanner who take all that life offers and I want it. Last night, I watched Abram play the drums. He stuck his tongue out and was bouncing around, full of passion and love and God. I wanted it so bad; I was so envious! I have flashbacks to the way things were and I want it, any little piece I can get. I feel trapped in my body. And I dont have a heart, like if someone told me they loved me or if they tried to hurt me, I wouldn't feel it either way. Longing, that's the main feeling and helplessness. I can't go home and I can't stay here. I've outgrown all my masks. . . ."