Ticked.

So I woke up this morning, already ticked. I've went to bed ticked the last two nights at a certain individual and tried not to be. Then this morning I woke up just ticked off. I tried to think of why and all of the reasons I came up with were ridiculous, probably true, but just dumb. So I tried to reason them out and prove why i shouldn't be mad.

Went to church and just excited to be able to rest in Gods house and listen to his word and be ministered to and be filled. Nope, that didn't happen. The music was alright, but me and God talked about how I'm going to worship whether or not I feel like it. Then the preaching started. His point was about how God was the 3 in one person, and although, he probably meant well, it didn't come off that way. The points he made were false. and i'm not saying that because they hurt me or caused conviction but because I have biblical proof that counteracts what he said. God's essence is love.. . FALSE. I could go off on that one but thats not true. God's essence is not love it's Holiness. God is love, but his essence is Holiness. If essence was love then there would be no need for the cross. He would jsut say oh, i love you, it's ok, i forgive you. but instead he's holy and can't be around our crap, sin. So love provoked the act that allowed us to have an option to be with him.

The preacher, I felt like he just used big "church" words. which granted it is in church, but it takes me long enough to understand what he was trying to say, so how could I bring in a friend who wants to start coming to church and be like here. Plus, now, he is using scripture, but it's just so fast no one can keep up with him by looking them up and they're not on the screen so it seems as if he's just preaching his agenda. He has a point and here's a verse to back it up and heres a point and heres a verse, and it just goes and goes and goes and I couldn't even write down his points fast enough to keep up.

Maybe part of it has to do with mono. All of my senses and though process and actions and everything is slowed down and doesn't function the way it should. So it takes me longer to understand things or to react or to process, and it doesn't process fast enough to keep up.

I'm tired of being tired. I'm wore down all the time so I have to leave things early and am not able to do the things I want to. I work real hard just to make it through classes and get my work done, so that I can rest on the weekend. But then on the weekend comes everyone has free time and wants to do stuff, so I either run myself even more into the ground and get to have fun, or bail out and don't get to do stuff.

yeah part of me is jealous and prideful. I worked pretty hard to get this weekend to go right, (not really all that hard, but considering my maximum capacity is alot lower now, it was pretty hard) and at the end no one really thanked me. and I know i sound like a jerk because it wasn't about me it was about them and them having a good time, which I think they did. But I don't really know if they did have a good time. Last year when we gave the girls roses and cards they flipped out and were so amazed and awestruck, this year we gave them roses, baked, rented a movie, took them out to dinner, and they just kind of expected it. Like oh thats nice, no one was reallly suprised at the roses, and dinner was a little confusing. some people kept trying to leave before we had a chance to suprise them with theirs more to come. It's not that their not excited, but it just seems like the more of everything we try to do this year fails and last year it went so well. with everything in cru. and this is just one more thing to notch onto the top. I think the girls did have a good time, i'm not sure if the guys did much to help them have a good time or just gave them an excuse to be girls together. we were just a reason to get dressed up and taken out to eat. so the girls could have a good time together. which they had a good time, so thats good, but the idea was so that we could show them how guys were suppose to be and instead it was more of the girls jsut hanging with girls.

Jud taught swing dancing, which is awesome and i'm so glad that the other guys are stepping up and that whenever i'm in a bad mood things can still go on. That it doesn't revolve around me, but dancing always makes me feel like a loser. I feel like such a failure cause I can't dance. Even when the opportunity arises its like it just shows my imperfections and pokes fun at it. Then everyone tries to get me to because God has gifted me with natural abilities in other things, but I feel so embarrassed and ashamed when i try to dance. I feel like a failure.

I just want to be able to be myself again, sometime. That would be cool. I feel like i'm in this state of in-between. Of someone else and who I am. Sometimes I'm acting like someone else and sometimes I'm fighting to just get back to who I am and acting like myself. I never felt like I could do it over the summer. I couldn't be myself so I thought once I got back to school I could, and now that i'm back here i still find it hard to. Now i'm waiting until after mono. Occasionally I feel like I can be myself, but what happened to just relaxing and being myself. I feel like none of the freshman know who I really am. Maybe that's just prideful. I want them to know me as the funloving crazy guy who's a blast to be around and loves God more than anything and is willing to serve them and help anyone he can. But I'm so tied down I can't go serve anyone, especially with mono, and because of all the cru crap at the beggining of the year I haven't been able to be my crazy wild self. AHHHH. Its just frustrating.

It makes me question who I am. really. who am I? I know I'm God's. but as a person is this who I am now? I said i want to be able to be myself again, but is this it? Am I myself? How long are you in a state of chaos does that state of chaos become your normal. My waviness is now who I am? The freshman know me not as others know me. My new constant state has no certainty, no normalcy. It has no stableness. I keep waiting til after something so that I can be myself again. I'm always waiting for something else to happen before I can be myself. After project. After school starts. After cru gets in the swing of things. After this project. After Satan quits attacking me or atelast it eases up. After i get over mono. Will there ever just be a time of enjoyment? But I guess I just have to enjoy the time thats here now. Lifes not the destination of after something it's the journey. All the things that we go through help define who we are. So I should enjoy the ride. . . wherever it leads me.

I was excited because after talking to Meghan and Sarah did I realize that my mind processes fast. It works fast