My first one is leading the guys of cru, and the Manference. I was reading in 1 Timothy about false teachers those who contradict the bible or those who water down the truth. I strictly believe the bible is numero uno on things you can believe well above me. I am worried sometimes that while trying to tactfully and reach them on a heartfelt level I might water it down a bit. I don't mean do make the point but I feel like it takes so long to get to the point that I'm making that it loses it's effectiveness. I guess one way to combat this is to share my heart. When it's me I usually can't really water it down cause I know when I don't say all of it or accept all of it that there's that extra hunk waiting to smack me and that feeling in the stomach that somehow has raised up and seems to be right at heart level. So when I share what God's told me (cause i'm usually harder on myself than others) then I can just get the point out there and direct the fire at me, but sharing the truth with them.
The other thing I worry about is that I want them to follow and like me rather than follow God. I know when you put it in point-blank words, then it's obvious it's wrong and easy to correct. But I don't want to subtly or psychologically back into this and find myself wanting power. It's a complicated process because I'm still fighting the confidence thing, especially around guys, so I want them to like me and comment on what I'm doing is right, but at the same time I kind of want them to argue with and correct me so that I know they're listening to God and not me. But I, in my prideful and lacking confidence way, suck at taking criticism and fear if someone corrects me, I will lose respect and authority in their eyes and they won't listen to me. (rather what God says through me). So God I pray that you keep me focused on you and what and how I can serve you. God I pray that they would follow You in me and not me at all. I pray that I would only spark an interest for you, no a forestfire, that you would light them on fire. God please use me not to raise me up, but help me be an example of what a man of God looks like, not to be the example, but so that they have something to look upto. God you've given me Zack and Dustin and I thank you so much for them. Having a tangible example in front of me has helped me so much. But I don't want to be like them, I want to far pass them and pass David, the guy after your own heart, I want to be so close to you. But I also want to be an example for them. I love my relationship with you and where you're taking it, but I would almost rather everyone have a working and growing relationship with you, even if it means mine is kind of sucky. I dont know if I can pray for that. I know thats not what you want and that it's kind of on opposite ends for that when we are passionately in-love with you and growing with you others will see. But this semester when I been the worst have people gotten to know you. Wait, no thats a lie. This semesters has not been the worst between me and you. This semester between me and you has probably been one of the best. It hasn't been all joyous or all powerful or easy, but it has made me so dependent on you. I think part of the reason why peole have gotten to know you or more about you is because "ah-duh" I've actually went outside my comfort zone to talk about you. I have started to be obedient and faithful when it didn't make sense and when it was further than my reach.
God, the other thing I need to talk to you about is this relationship thing. I am bumfuzzled. I can't really tell if its from you or from me. I finally got to the point where I don't really want a relationship and that it's kind of impractical now at this stage to have one. But that's kind of what you wanted, because I can serve you so much better alone. (or so I think). But still my inside jumps at the thought of someone else. (granted I've pushed the ceiling down so much that it's not a big jump, now it's more of a dribble.) But I don't want my heart to run with this. I've been fighting it so long. I've started out asking for reasons why not, and begging for reasons not to, but now I'm kind of in between just waiting for reasons either way. God the talk with Zack the other day helped alot. I know the thought's I should probably ask for, but it's hard and I'm not sure I can make it to that point. God help show me what your will is here. I'm asking for you to take this away if it's not from you. Take whatever is not from you away, let me know it's me desiring this and not you. Is it me getting carried away, AGAIN, or is this you. God please take away all this temptation. I feel/fear that I am starting to get my joy from the idea and her rather than from you and God I don't want that. I've done it too many times before. God let me rejoice in you and your ways. I thank you for the people you've put in my life, for the opportunity just to get to know them and be part of their life. God I want you. You are more than enough, and I don't want to forget that or replace you with anything.
I don't know if I can pray for you to let me love one woman and let one woman love me. Maybe thats why it's been easier to let go is because I know that girls actually like me and that I'm attractive, so I'm ok with that, and I don't know how I'll adjust if none of them do. Well, I know how I will adjust and I know how I should adjust, I just dont know how to skip the first and just go to how it should be. God help me be ok with just you. Not anyone else. Not the idea of anyone else. Not the fact that I could have others, but God, just you and only you. Bring me to the place where I can honestly pray and want for only one woman to love and for only one woman to love me. I know that it's your plan, but the other controlling side say what about everything else. What about now, what bout all these feelings inside, but God like you've promised and proven before, that your best is soo much better than anything here or in between. God take my heart. Take it far away from me. Let her find it in you. God let the one woman just amaze and flabbergast me, but let all others be princess in your castle, let them be daughters to me that I can help protect and love.
God please use this solitude time to be with and strengthen me. My relationship with you. Your ministry through me. God help me remember (preferably with removing people or instances or hurting the heart), but just help, please, change my mind set and let it be set and focused on you.
