good

Define GOOD.

What is GOOD?

Is GOOD the absence of bad? or does GOOD overcome the bad?

is GOOD just the polite answer you give to the casual "how are you doing?"

or how you refer to your mother-in-law's mashed potatoes?

is it determined by effort

as in how well the game was?

or the effort put forth on a job?

does it show approval

as in the description of a boy seeking a young ladies attention?

in the epic war stories the antonym of GOOD is it's arch nemises EVIL.

what is the epitonmy of GOOD?

what if something is better than GOOD?

GOODer than GOOD?

What is it? Godly?

The bible says that everything GOOD comes from GOD.

So without God, there is no GOOD.

Which make sense, because if you take GOD out of GOOD your left with 0.

C.S. Lewis once referred to GOD that "He is not safe but he is GOOD."

so we can conclude that something can be unsafe, and GOOD.

How Can I Lead?

God, how can I lead your people?

How could I lead your troops?

In your kingdom, I'm thankful to be in it.

I'm not anything great. I'm not towards the front.

I'm mixed in towards the back, with my miniscule presents.

I am nothing in the kingdom but thankful.

Worship is just telling God how great He is,

Evangelism is just telling others.

How...

How can you love me when you know what I've done?

How can you love me when you know what I've thought?

How can you love me when you know the adultery of my heart,

How it runs so often away?

How I find nearly anything more important than my everything.

How do you love me when you know the tendencies of my heart,

To leave everything worth anything?

How do you love me when I care about a few minutes of pleasure

more than spitting in the face of my King?

How can you love me?!

Because you do not Love like humans love.

You Love your enemies more than I can love those I'm closest to.

Your love is more than fathomable.

Your love is not what I'm used to.

Your love will change the world.

Your love will change my world.

Yet You, Yet I

I know what these hands have done,

yet you use them to feed your children.

I know what these lips have said,

yet you use them to teach your ways.

I know what my thoughts have been,

yet you give me your Holy thoughts.

I know the betrayal of my heart,

you you still dwell there.

I know your ways,

yet I cannot follow them.

I know you Love,

yet I cannot comprehend.

I know you forgive.

yet I cannot deserve.

I know you are God,

yet I am man,

and I cannot fathom why you would want to be near me.

To a listening ear...

To a listening ear, or a reading eye...

This is to you.

Now I feel very alone. I don't feel alone, but in a sense I do. I would love for someone to talk to, to be able to actually have a conversation with. To be able to pour out my heart and my mind. The only people who keep coming to mind are girls. Meghan, I definitely cannot. Sarah I definitely shouldn't. Tacy and Carly are both swamped, let alone the fact that they're still girls. Michael Ball, he's got finals and just doesn't quite understand. Gary sort of understands, but he has so much on his mind now that everytime I just want to get stuff out of my head he ends up talking. Which I know he needs to, but everytime he makes things worse.

If finals was the hardest part of my life right now, I think that would be pretty good. Not that I want finals to get harder, but that it's not my main concern.

I have so many thoughts, Meghan was right when she said when I get stressed I just go do lots of stuff and go and go and go. I didn't realize it until this week. I thought it was just because I had alot to do, but no, I just go and go and go, even when I don't have alot to do. I pack my time full of stuff so that I don't really have to sit. Cause now I just have to face the solitude, the heartbreak, the loneliness, the mistakes, the lies - now I face myself in it's worse reflective mirror.

I realized I miss just having someone to share my life with. It was nice when Meghan and I were dating that I could just share with her random parts of my day because I believed she cared. Now, it's like no one really cares about stuff like that. The highlights of my day that strengthen me to keep living full, are dampened by the lack of sharing it with someone. Why is it that a joy is much more than a joy when you get to share it, but if there's no one to share it with, it seems to dwindle and like a quick flicker of a flame rather than a bursting enfuego that ignites your day.

I have been praying that someone would be there for Meghan that she would have people around her. Sarah, I believe has been there for her, at dinner tonight they had more of a conversation between the two of them than with the rest of the group combined. I prayed for them, and now my prayers are answered, they're just hard for me now because I'm a little jealous that I don't have anyone. I kinda would like someone to share parts of my life with, to be real with.

Random thoughts that I want to tell someone about:

-I don't have a roommate for next semester. I have no idea. I haven't really prayed about it or talked to anyone about it yet, so I don't know what's going to happen. This will be 5 roommates in 4 years, 4 roommates in 4 semesters. Eric transferred to Glenville, Gary took his RA job back, Danny transferred to a comm. college, and now person number 4.

-I don't know. I prayed for my roommate so much this summer, whoever it would be, and I get Danny, and don't feel like I made any sort of impact on him. Now, I give up on roommates pretty much. - best thing I can think of is that I kept him out of worse trouble.

-I really would like somewhere I can be comfortable. Somewhere, where my heart can find rest. Everything seems stressed. My heart has no place to rest, my mind will not work properly. I thought if we went out for supper tonight it would be a nice just us and chill and relax, but of course it wasn't. Sarah and Meghan had their own closed conversation, Danni just kept adding in random comments kinda trying to fill the awkward silence but stopping any type of actual real conversation from developing, Eric just sat there or again had random facts. I find peace with no one. Even in my time with God it seems stressed. My brain doesn't work, my eyes go heavy, it seems like I have to be getting something out of it. Why is there so much striving here? Where is the laying down in your peace? I won't find it at home. I won't find it with rest. I won't find it when finals are over. Where can I find it?

-I kinda just want someone to say, I know your not alright. What's wrong? Not that they even have to listen, but just someone to notice that I'm just holding up a face. Not for anyone to dig so deep, but just someone to say, "Its ok. I know you're going through pain. You don't have to put up a face with me. I love you no matter what. You can let down. You can be real with me. Breathe out and just be real. I love you in whatever." But right now it's like noone knows, or no one cares. What if someone just said "are you ok? no, really?" But on the other hand, I guess it's almost my fault. I put up a fake face. It's a very thin mask. Walking past any light can show the opacity of it. But I find a way to keep the conversation away from it. If I just add in one or two more comments, if I make another side comment to prevent the conversation from going to where it could get real.

-I would also really like talk to Meghan about us. I don't know if I'm allowed. I do miss her friendship. But I have lots of confusion about how our life went from really encouraging and God focused to just on us. I have ideas, but I'd like to talk to the other person in the senario to see what she thinks. I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to talk to her about or hat I'm suppose to do. Carly said it's up to her as to how much we talk. While we were dating it was my judgement, but now it's pretty much however much and when she wants to. So our friendship is really dependent on how forward she wants to be. I'm just here waiting. It hurts me everytime we see each other. I don't really know why? I miss her, but it's not that I wish we were back together, which I guess is God, but I don't know what this feeling is. I enjoy her. Maybe it's the feeling of how close we once were and now we're not. Maybe it's because I've let her down. Maybe it's all the walls I know she has up infront of me where other's she doesn't.

-Along the lines of being frustrated at the lack of stuff I've done this semester I realized is tied with the stress line. When I'm stressed, I hit another gear and function in it. Africa broke me of that gear, and I've been not doing everything all the time, I've been functioning, I've been living a little more, but now after Meghan and even towards the end of us, I just filled up all of my time doing stuff all the time to be productive. So I stay busy.

But he says "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." He looks me in the eye and makes me that promise. "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls." He promises rest for our souls, but does he ever promise comfort for our heart? "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." That's His promise, but I seem to not be able to find that yoke. I like to add on my own weight, my own burdens. It is not light, it is not easy. In fact, it hurts and seems to want to sit underneath his yoke to make his awkward. To make me believe that it's His that is so unsteady. So uneasy. But who is unsteady? Who is uneasy? Who is like the shifting shadows and who has never changed?

Endurance.

A Superman 4 JC (12:12:14 PM): i was thinking last night and I think God has proven tomyself how far i'm willing to go to serve him on an individual occasion, and now he's working on my endurance
A Superman 4 JC (12:12:28 PM): i can go hard for a period of time then crash adn rebuild
A Superman 4 JC (12:12:44 PM): but now its more of a down crash and continue without the rest time afterwards
A Superman 4 JC (12:14:15 PM): like he knows i know i'm willing to do whatever, i'm willing to sarcrafice my summer or things I dont want to do, i'm wiling to do things whenever i dont feel like them, i'm willing to put my own health to the side to do what he's asked me (granted it not all of these all the time because i'm not there yet but am working on it) and now he's just seeing how my endurance is and how many times i'm willing to do it
A Superman 4 JC (12:17:15 PM): like i've had mono twice. i run as hard as i can nearly every smester just to make it home and crash, over Radiate I went as hard as I could on him then made it home and crashed and was sick, i nearly passed out a few times that first week I had mono and God wanted me to speak on lies, but i kept pushing through
A Superman 4 JC (12:17:53 PM): i'm not saying that because of what i've done, because it's all God who worked and sustained me to that point
A Superman 4 JC (12:18:40 PM): he knows i'm willing to go until death for him, but now it's kind of like how many times am I willing to go past the edge and near it and still continue on
A Superman 4 JC (12:21:23 PM): endurance is pushing on time and time again despite no matter how many times i've been there before, it's looking at the prize and pushing on once more because I know it's worth it
A Superman 4 JC (12:21:50 PM): and seeing how miniscule my efforts are in expressing my love to Him

Godful Worry

So I know it talks about not worrying, but I feel like there are a few things God has put on my heart to be cautious of, maybe not worry, but fearful of what they could be and I know I need to talk it out either written or typed and in the current mood, I don't think written would work. 

My first one is leading the guys of cru, and the Manference. I was reading in 1 Timothy  about false teachers those who contradict the bible or those who water down the truth. I strictly believe the bible is  numero uno on things you can believe well above me. I am worried sometimes that while trying to tactfully and reach them on a heartfelt level I might water it down a bit. I don't mean do make the point but I feel like it takes so long to get to the point that I'm making that it loses it's effectiveness. I guess one way to combat this is to share my heart. When it's me I usually can't really water it down cause I know when I don't say all of it or accept all of it that there's that extra hunk waiting to smack me and that feeling in the stomach that somehow has raised up and seems to be right at heart level. So when I share what God's told me (cause i'm usually harder on myself than others) then I can just get the point out there and direct the fire at me, but sharing the truth with them. 

The other thing I worry about is that I want them to follow and like me rather than follow God. I know when you put it in point-blank words, then it's obvious it's wrong and easy to correct. But I don't want to subtly or psychologically back into this and find myself wanting power. It's a complicated process because I'm still fighting the confidence thing, especially around guys, so I want them to like me and comment on what I'm doing is right, but at the same time I kind of want them to argue with and correct me so that I know they're listening to God and not me. But I, in my prideful and lacking confidence way, suck at taking criticism and fear if someone corrects me, I will lose respect and authority in their eyes and they won't listen to me. (rather what God says through me). So God I pray that you keep me focused on you and what and how I can serve you. God I pray that they would follow You in me and not me at all. I pray that I would only spark an interest for you, no a forestfire, that you would light them on fire. God please use me not to raise me up, but help me be an example of what a man of God looks like, not to be the example, but so that they have something to look upto. God you've given me Zack and Dustin and I thank you so much for them. Having a tangible example in front of me has helped me so much. But I don't want to be like them, I want to far pass them and pass David, the guy after your own heart, I want to be so close to you. But I also want to be an example for them. I love my relationship with you and where you're taking it, but I would almost rather everyone have a working and growing relationship with you, even if it means mine is kind of sucky. I dont know if I can pray for that. I know thats not what you want and that it's kind of on opposite ends for that when we are passionately in-love with you and growing with you others will see. But this semester when I been the worst have people gotten to know you. Wait, no thats a lie. This semesters has not been the worst between me and you. This semester between me and you has probably been one of the best. It hasn't been all joyous or all powerful or easy, but it has made me so dependent on you. I think part of the reason why peole have gotten to know you or more about you is because "ah-duh" I've actually went outside my comfort zone to talk about you. I have started to be obedient and faithful when it didn't make sense and when it was further than my reach. 

God, the other thing I need to talk to you about is this relationship thing. I am bumfuzzled. I can't really tell if its from you or from me. I finally got to the point where I don't really want a relationship and that it's kind of impractical now at this stage to have one. But that's kind of what you wanted, because I can serve you so much better alone. (or so I think). But still my inside jumps at the thought of someone else. (granted I've pushed the ceiling down so much that it's not a big jump, now it's more of a dribble.) But I don't want my heart to run with this. I've been fighting it so long. I've started out asking for reasons why not, and begging for reasons not to, but now I'm kind of in between just waiting for reasons either way. God the talk with Zack the other day helped alot. I know the thought's I should probably ask for, but it's hard and I'm not sure I can make it to that point. God help show me what your will is here. I'm asking for you to take this away if it's not from you. Take whatever is not from you away, let me know it's me desiring this and not you. Is it me getting carried away, AGAIN, or is this you. God please take away all this temptation. I feel/fear that I am starting to get my joy from the idea and her rather than from you and God I don't want that. I've done it too many times before. God let me rejoice in you and your ways. I thank you for the people you've put in my life, for the opportunity just to get to know them and be part of their life. God I want you. You are more than enough, and I don't want to forget that or replace you with anything.

I don't know if I can pray for you to let me love one woman and let one woman love me. Maybe thats why it's been easier to let go is because I know that girls actually like me and that I'm attractive, so I'm ok with that, and I don't know how I'll adjust if none of them do. Well, I know how I will adjust and I know how I should adjust, I just dont know how to skip the first and just go to how it should be. God help me be ok with just you. Not anyone else. Not the idea of anyone else. Not the fact that I could have others, but God, just you and only you. Bring me to the place where I can honestly pray and want for only one woman to love and for only one woman to love me. I know that it's your plan, but the other controlling side say what about everything else. What about now, what bout all these feelings inside, but God like you've promised and proven before, that your best is soo much better than anything here or in between. God take my heart. Take it far away from me. Let her find it in you.  God let the one woman just amaze and flabbergast me, but let all others be princess in your castle, let them be daughters to me that I can help protect and love. 

God please use this solitude time to be with and strengthen me. My relationship with you. Your ministry through me. God help me remember (preferably with removing people or instances or hurting the heart), but just help, please, change my mind set and let it be set and focused on you.