To a listening ear, or a reading eye...
This is to you.
Now I feel very alone. I don't feel alone, but in a sense I do. I would love for someone to talk to, to be able to actually have a conversation with. To be able to pour out my heart and my mind. The only people who keep coming to mind are girls. Meghan, I definitely cannot. Sarah I definitely shouldn't. Tacy and Carly are both swamped, let alone the fact that they're still girls. Michael Ball, he's got finals and just doesn't quite understand. Gary sort of understands, but he has so much on his mind now that everytime I just want to get stuff out of my head he ends up talking. Which I know he needs to, but everytime he makes things worse.
I have so many thoughts, Meghan was right when she said when I get stressed I just go do lots of stuff and go and go and go. I didn't realize it until this week. I thought it was just because I had alot to do, but no, I just go and go and go, even when I don't have alot to do. I pack my time full of stuff so that I don't really have to sit. Cause now I just have to face the solitude, the heartbreak, the loneliness, the mistakes, the lies - now I face myself in it's worse reflective mirror.
I realized I miss just having someone to share my life with. It was nice when Meghan and I were dating that I could just share with her random parts of my day because I believed she cared. Now, it's like no one really cares about stuff like that. The highlights of my day that strengthen me to keep living full, are dampened by the lack of sharing it with someone. Why is it that a joy is much more than a joy when you get to share it, but if there's no one to share it with, it seems to dwindle and like a quick flicker of a flame rather than a bursting enfuego that ignites your day.
I have been praying that someone would be there for Meghan that she would have people around her. Sarah, I believe has been there for her, at dinner tonight they had more of a conversation between the two of them than with the rest of the group combined. I prayed for them, and now my prayers are answered, they're just hard for me now because I'm a little jealous that I don't have anyone. I kinda would like someone to share parts of my life with, to be real with.
Random thoughts that I want to tell someone about:
-I don't have a roommate for next semester. I have no idea. I haven't really prayed about it or talked to anyone about it yet, so I don't know what's going to happen. This will be 5 roommates in 4 years, 4 roommates in 4 semesters. Eric transferred to Glenville, Gary took his RA job back, Danny transferred to a comm. college, and now person number 4.
-I don't know. I prayed for my roommate so much this summer, whoever it would be, and I get Danny, and don't feel like I made any sort of impact on him. Now, I give up on roommates pretty much. - best thing I can think of is that I kept him out of worse trouble.
-I really would like somewhere I can be comfortable. Somewhere, where my heart can find rest. Everything seems stressed. My heart has no place to rest, my mind will not work properly. I thought if we went out for supper tonight it would be a nice just us and chill and relax, but of course it wasn't. Sarah and Meghan had their own closed conversation, Danni just kept adding in random comments kinda trying to fill the awkward silence but stopping any type of actual real conversation from developing, Eric just sat there or again had random facts. I find peace with no one. Even in my time with God it seems stressed. My brain doesn't work, my eyes go heavy, it seems like I have to be getting something out of it. Why is there so much striving here? Where is the laying down in your peace? I won't find it at home. I won't find it with rest. I won't find it when finals are over. Where can I find it?
-I kinda just want someone to say, I know your not alright. What's wrong? Not that they even have to listen, but just someone to notice that I'm just holding up a face. Not for anyone to dig so deep, but just someone to say, "Its ok. I know you're going through pain. You don't have to put up a face with me. I love you no matter what. You can let down. You can be real with me. Breathe out and just be real. I love you in whatever." But right now it's like noone knows, or no one cares. What if someone just said "are you ok? no, really?" But on the other hand, I guess it's almost my fault. I put up a fake face. It's a very thin mask. Walking past any light can show the opacity of it. But I find a way to keep the conversation away from it. If I just add in one or two more comments, if I make another side comment to prevent the conversation from going to where it could get real.
-I would also really like talk to Meghan about us. I don't know if I'm allowed. I do miss her friendship. But I have lots of confusion about how our life went from really encouraging and God focused to just on us. I have ideas, but I'd like to talk to the other person in the senario to see what she thinks. I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to talk to her about or hat I'm suppose to do. Carly said it's up to her as to how much we talk. While we were dating it was my judgement, but now it's pretty much however much and when she wants to. So our friendship is really dependent on how forward she wants to be. I'm just here waiting. It hurts me everytime we see each other. I don't really know why? I miss her, but it's not that I wish we were back together, which I guess is God, but I don't know what this feeling is. I enjoy her. Maybe it's the feeling of how close we once were and now we're not. Maybe it's because I've let her down. Maybe it's all the walls I know she has up infront of me where other's she doesn't.
-Along the lines of being frustrated at the lack of stuff I've done this semester I realized is tied with the stress line. When I'm stressed, I hit another gear and function in it. Africa broke me of that gear, and I've been not doing everything all the time, I've been functioning, I've been living a little more, but now after Meghan and even towards the end of us, I just filled up all of my time doing stuff all the time to be productive. So I stay busy.
But he says "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." He looks me in the eye and makes me that promise. "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls." He promises rest for our souls, but does he ever promise comfort for our heart? "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." That's His promise, but I seem to not be able to find that yoke. I like to add on my own weight, my own burdens. It is not light, it is not easy. In fact, it hurts and seems to want to sit underneath his yoke to make his awkward. To make me believe that it's His that is so unsteady. So uneasy. But who is unsteady? Who is uneasy? Who is like the shifting shadows and who has never changed?
