tired of this

i'm so tired of this. i dont know what it is. i wish i did.
I dont know what i'm suppose to do. God I'm calling out with whats left of me. just hold me tonight. I can't do this much more.

I dont know if this is God breaking me.
I dont know if its me not listening to God and trying to do my own thing and it going extremely hard.
i dont know if im doing the right thing, even when it's not easy, like Elijah
I dont know if i'm just going through spiritual attacks for doing whats right
i dont know if i'm suffering from depression
i dont know if i'm just thinking too hard
i dont know if i'm doing whats right or if i'm going my own way
i dont know if i'm trying too hard or if this is what i'm suppose to be doing
i dont know if its because i'm not doing something i should be with God? but Gods not really like that
i dont know if its because i have no one to talk to so all of these thoughts are stuck in my head rumbling around.


i just want to be able to remove myself from this situation. step away from this time and place. i'm tired of being here and now. why can't i just be like i used to? Why is everything so much more complicated?

i dont think anyone really understands whats in my head. i dont fully understand so how can I expect them to? i try to explain it. God said not to be as intimate with girls but to be more intimate with guys. but when i've tried guys are so quick to offer explenations and surface-level solutions. guys just want to fix it.

i feel like i'm trying to hold my heart together. like i've got a rope wrapped around it and its pumping with all it has, but it's about to give up. not give up, give in maybe? just quit. not death, but quit caring, quit trying. maybe thats what I need is to quit trying, but look at all the people would be let down. look at all of the people i've let down this semester.

God asked me to do a few things, but i haven't done them. not that i'm ignoring them, just that i haven't put forth the effort to do those things specifically. i want to be more outward focus and share the reason i'm like i am. but we've had 3 weeks of school and not once have i got into a relationship about God outside of cru. some boy at wvu went on a summer project and has led 13 people to christ already. i'm not jealous about his success, but his efforts. he's actually out there and doing stuff, and i'm already stuck here back in the same old thing doing the same old thing and not making a difference.

or am i doing a difference? i'm not talking to girls as much, i'm trying to break down 'christian' stereotypes. but i'm also not saying anything about Jesus. am i not suppose to for now, or am i suppose to now and not doing it?

convo with JR
ivegotsenioritus (12:24:36 AM): Do your best, and God will do the rest
A Superman 4 JC (12:26:06 AM): but what is my best
A Superman 4 JC (12:26:17 AM): i dont even know what i'm suppose to do to do my best
A Superman 4 JC (12:26:37 AM): i'm just trying to swim in a drier, trying to fly in a tornado
A Superman 4 JC (12:26:52 AM): and the tornado hasn't stopped yet
A Superman 4 JC (12:27:16 AM): i'm waiting for it to spit me out somewhere so i can find my bearings and see what i am suppose to do or what i was suppose to do, but just round and round it goes
A Superman 4 JC (12:28:13 AM): occasionally i'll catch a glimpse of the ground below to guess at my surroundings, but only enough to keep me fighting

if God wants me to be open, he's got it. i dont understand how this is helping cause i feel like its just me bleeding all over people, my heart gushing out onto people, staining there clothes. i'm almost afraid my heart only has so much blood before it bleeds dry. not that by opening my heart i'm letting it bleed. it's bleeding, i'm just not covering it up and letting others see that it is.

i know most of this doesn't make since and its kind of jumping from problem to problem, but my mind is so overloaded its not funny. i asked God to show me what to fix and he showed me alot. I can't do all of this, he knows i can't, why show me soo much? my mind is overloaded. i can't improve all of this. i have to focus on one thing at a time to improve myself. i cant fix all 4 or 5 big things he's telling me. theres so many others that get left out. and he knows there are going to be things left out so why would he hold all of those things against me. it's what graces is about, right? he's treating me legalistically. which just saying that means it's probably not him who's doing it. but why would satan make me feel bad about not sharing the gospel with the campus?

ivegotsenioritus (12:29:46 AM): hmm...sounds like you've been busy
A Superman 4 JC (12:35:05 AM): yeah well, the mind never stops
ivegotsenioritus (12:37:20 AM): but that's how God created you...maybe one day you can figure out how to use all this analyzing to your advantage
A Superman 4 JC (12:39:38 AM): God didn't create me to live like this
A Superman 4 JC (12:39:41 AM): that i'm certain

it's true, thats one thing, maybe the only thing i know about me. I'm not suppose to live this stressed this overwhelmed. i seriously will not live long like this. maybe a couple of years, couple of decades even, but not nearly as long as I should or near the quality of life i should. but it's not about me and that I should live great, cause this life I have is not mine to live. but how could/can i make a difference if i'm living not the way i'm suppose to?