A note from a friend

So I was talking to a friend and he/she let me read something they had wrote and it seemed to put what I had been feeling into words alot better than I have been able to. Apparently its not depression, its this funk thats been going around. Anyways here it is:

"I want things back to normal. My normal, the ridiculous live life to the fullest impulsively subborn jumper me. I dont know what has happened. I feel so empty and heartless. I have no passion or reason. I miss laughing and smiling, even jumping. Most of the time, my jumps were stupid and the consequences difficult, but it's better than this nothingness. Atleast jumping was doing something. I'm doing stuff, but thats it, like going through the motions. Not apathy. There is some apathy. What kills me, is like today when Chris's dad had a heart attack, I wanted to help but I couldn't. It's like I'm drowning. I can't hold anyone up, not even myself. There's still apart of me fighting, but fot he most part, I'm giving up. I can't bring myself back this time. Neither can Abram or Sherri. My biggest passion, the reason for everything I do, is helping people and I can't do it anymore. I'm so far gone that I can't even help myself. I dont know what to do and I'm scared. I don't like this. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster, only taking 2 seconds to go from teh top to the bottom or balancing on a tightrope where the least little shift could send me to the ground.

Something else that hurts is seeing the pain and concern on my friends faces. They dont know what to do either. They can pray and try to love me, but I'm rejecting it. All of a sudden I'm rejecting God too. I know it and I dont want to go to Him. I was so in love with HIm and I dont know where it went.

Everyday, I look at my pictures, laughing w/my friends, jumping off cliffs, kayaking, smiling,. I see loved ones who I can't help, who can't help me. I see BJ and Tanner who take all that life offers and I want it. Last night, I watched Abram play the drums. He stuck his tongue out and was bouncing around, full of passion and love and God. I wanted it so bad; I was so envious! I have flashbacks to the way things were and I want it, any little piece I can get. I feel trapped in my body. And I dont have a heart, like if someone told me they loved me or if they tried to hurt me, I wouldn't feel it either way. Longing, that's the main feeling and helplessness. I can't go home and I can't stay here. I've outgrown all my masks. . . ."

addition

so i apologized for being argumentative to JR but i thanked him for listening to me and by me arguing helped me talk to someone and better understand and define it. and he said its ok that me being argumentative just showed him how upset i was. i dont think he fully understands, but he's getting closer. he's trying, i think.

he imed me later saying
ivegotsenioritus (1:09:49 AM): btw, the random witness i had the other day just informed that he has been saved.

God is still good. always good. i am frustrated cause i haven't got to have a conversation like that, but jr did get to. and a soul is freed from hell and is not fully loved. i'm not jealous that he helped someone into heaven. it was more of a pat on the back from God saying, see, you helped do that. you helped pull JR up and then I could use him to reach this other kid that i love. my heart still hurts, maybe i'm just tired, but maybe one gash is a little less open.

goodnight.

tired of this

i'm so tired of this. i dont know what it is. i wish i did.
I dont know what i'm suppose to do. God I'm calling out with whats left of me. just hold me tonight. I can't do this much more.

I dont know if this is God breaking me.
I dont know if its me not listening to God and trying to do my own thing and it going extremely hard.
i dont know if im doing the right thing, even when it's not easy, like Elijah
I dont know if i'm just going through spiritual attacks for doing whats right
i dont know if i'm suffering from depression
i dont know if i'm just thinking too hard
i dont know if i'm doing whats right or if i'm going my own way
i dont know if i'm trying too hard or if this is what i'm suppose to be doing
i dont know if its because i'm not doing something i should be with God? but Gods not really like that
i dont know if its because i have no one to talk to so all of these thoughts are stuck in my head rumbling around.


i just want to be able to remove myself from this situation. step away from this time and place. i'm tired of being here and now. why can't i just be like i used to? Why is everything so much more complicated?

i dont think anyone really understands whats in my head. i dont fully understand so how can I expect them to? i try to explain it. God said not to be as intimate with girls but to be more intimate with guys. but when i've tried guys are so quick to offer explenations and surface-level solutions. guys just want to fix it.

i feel like i'm trying to hold my heart together. like i've got a rope wrapped around it and its pumping with all it has, but it's about to give up. not give up, give in maybe? just quit. not death, but quit caring, quit trying. maybe thats what I need is to quit trying, but look at all the people would be let down. look at all of the people i've let down this semester.

God asked me to do a few things, but i haven't done them. not that i'm ignoring them, just that i haven't put forth the effort to do those things specifically. i want to be more outward focus and share the reason i'm like i am. but we've had 3 weeks of school and not once have i got into a relationship about God outside of cru. some boy at wvu went on a summer project and has led 13 people to christ already. i'm not jealous about his success, but his efforts. he's actually out there and doing stuff, and i'm already stuck here back in the same old thing doing the same old thing and not making a difference.

or am i doing a difference? i'm not talking to girls as much, i'm trying to break down 'christian' stereotypes. but i'm also not saying anything about Jesus. am i not suppose to for now, or am i suppose to now and not doing it?

convo with JR
ivegotsenioritus (12:24:36 AM): Do your best, and God will do the rest
A Superman 4 JC (12:26:06 AM): but what is my best
A Superman 4 JC (12:26:17 AM): i dont even know what i'm suppose to do to do my best
A Superman 4 JC (12:26:37 AM): i'm just trying to swim in a drier, trying to fly in a tornado
A Superman 4 JC (12:26:52 AM): and the tornado hasn't stopped yet
A Superman 4 JC (12:27:16 AM): i'm waiting for it to spit me out somewhere so i can find my bearings and see what i am suppose to do or what i was suppose to do, but just round and round it goes
A Superman 4 JC (12:28:13 AM): occasionally i'll catch a glimpse of the ground below to guess at my surroundings, but only enough to keep me fighting

if God wants me to be open, he's got it. i dont understand how this is helping cause i feel like its just me bleeding all over people, my heart gushing out onto people, staining there clothes. i'm almost afraid my heart only has so much blood before it bleeds dry. not that by opening my heart i'm letting it bleed. it's bleeding, i'm just not covering it up and letting others see that it is.

i know most of this doesn't make since and its kind of jumping from problem to problem, but my mind is so overloaded its not funny. i asked God to show me what to fix and he showed me alot. I can't do all of this, he knows i can't, why show me soo much? my mind is overloaded. i can't improve all of this. i have to focus on one thing at a time to improve myself. i cant fix all 4 or 5 big things he's telling me. theres so many others that get left out. and he knows there are going to be things left out so why would he hold all of those things against me. it's what graces is about, right? he's treating me legalistically. which just saying that means it's probably not him who's doing it. but why would satan make me feel bad about not sharing the gospel with the campus?

ivegotsenioritus (12:29:46 AM): hmm...sounds like you've been busy
A Superman 4 JC (12:35:05 AM): yeah well, the mind never stops
ivegotsenioritus (12:37:20 AM): but that's how God created you...maybe one day you can figure out how to use all this analyzing to your advantage
A Superman 4 JC (12:39:38 AM): God didn't create me to live like this
A Superman 4 JC (12:39:41 AM): that i'm certain

it's true, thats one thing, maybe the only thing i know about me. I'm not suppose to live this stressed this overwhelmed. i seriously will not live long like this. maybe a couple of years, couple of decades even, but not nearly as long as I should or near the quality of life i should. but it's not about me and that I should live great, cause this life I have is not mine to live. but how could/can i make a difference if i'm living not the way i'm suppose to?

tonight i feel like i could take on the world, kamikaze style

I'm ticked off so I'm ready to just go fight the world. I wanted to say 'tonight I feel as if i could take on the world and win.' But then I realized that that would be a positive thing like 'i'm going to change the world.' and i'm not in a 'change-the-world' mood. i'm in more of a 'there's alot of crap thats wrong mode and i'm ticked off enough to do something about it.' but to change the world, you have to have tact. tact and i aren't speaking right now. there's alot of testosterone pumping through my veins and theres so many arguments in my head ready to explode out like a pipe bomb covered in knives. each knife has a certain purpose and often times needs to be delicately used, but i'm ready to just chuck it.

all of that to say this, it's kind of like i'm ready to go fight, knowing I won't win, but fight until i collapse and burn out. It's like when you just kick and scream and cry and you know it's not going to get any better, but you just do it until your physically exhausted. I feel like i'm about to go into battle fighting with all I have making a brief impact, then collapsing in the battlefield, the enemy who is already surrounding me closes in to finish me off.

while as tactfully and more patiently, you can fight longer from the edge as you take on one at a time, with either help behind you, or a wall that atleast the enemy cant surround.

Let it out

I wanted to call it let it into the light with the name of untangledoutside because I feel like theres so much tangled up inside in confusion wrapped with lies and uncertainty, but getting it out and making it clear in the light will bring solutions, clarity, and peace. 

I need a guy. As weird as that sounds, I need a guy to confide in and be intimate with. Not the sexual kind, but the personally kind. I realized last year that one fact why there wasn't alot of guys in cru is because there wasn't alot of guys and I had spent alot of time getting close to girls. Girls are more emotional and better listeners, and more open, so it's much easier for a male to be open to females. It's how they're created. But guys understand guys. Guys who try to open up and get council from girls do understand girls better, but they get a process that isn't quite right because girls don't have all the information on how males work.  Everyone needs someone to talk to and express their ideas and opinions. 

I feel all alone. I know i'm not. But I feel like I am. I've talked to so many people in the past who say, if you ever want to talk let me know. Those people are: Sarah Holdren, Kayla, Sarah Wilkins, Carly, Ashley, Sherri. . . all girls. JR has said it too and Jonathan Rollins, but I dont know if I can trust them or if its my uncomfortablility, or the fact that they have alot on their mind. Or the fact that it's going to take alot of work to talk to them and be open, where as its easier with some of the other people, because I already have that relationship built up and they know the story. Then there's Dustin. Dustin has graduated and is trying to move on in life so I dont want to call him and bring him back into everything. I'm not even sure what there is to bring into. I dont know what to say except the fact that it would be cool just to hang out for a bit. But hanging out involves relaxing and just being, but I can't just be and relax around a bunch of guys because I dont know them very well. I know girls well and can relax and chill.

The girls are doing a great job of this though. Sherri, Swilkins, and Kayla and Kourtney have all been grouping together. Tacy even has been joining them and jennifer. They are doing a good job of bringing in new people and making them feel welcome. They all have their happy little group to go with and on. I have. . . no one I can just chill out and be with. Gods saying you need to get guys mroe involved hangout with them and share, but I  feel like I'm doing this on my own. I feel like it's all up to me and I can't do it by myself. I need help. I need a guy. Do I really have any guy-guy friends? ok I guess i have some aquiatinances, but any like good Christian guy friends? 

We, as guys, need a stronghold on this campus. We need a group of men willing to stick to the bible, follow furiously, violently take on sin, stick up for women whenever other men are being jerks, love them the way they deserved to be loved, love each other the way we were made to be, be open with each other so that there is no weak link left undefended. We will prevail, we will fight, we will build together, each guarding another, ready to take on the world, with the overcoming power within us, together. as brothers. as soldiers. as men.

Hows is this going to happen? . . . I dont know yet.