Godful Worry

So I know it talks about not worrying, but I feel like there are a few things God has put on my heart to be cautious of, maybe not worry, but fearful of what they could be and I know I need to talk it out either written or typed and in the current mood, I don't think written would work. 

My first one is leading the guys of cru, and the Manference. I was reading in 1 Timothy  about false teachers those who contradict the bible or those who water down the truth. I strictly believe the bible is  numero uno on things you can believe well above me. I am worried sometimes that while trying to tactfully and reach them on a heartfelt level I might water it down a bit. I don't mean do make the point but I feel like it takes so long to get to the point that I'm making that it loses it's effectiveness. I guess one way to combat this is to share my heart. When it's me I usually can't really water it down cause I know when I don't say all of it or accept all of it that there's that extra hunk waiting to smack me and that feeling in the stomach that somehow has raised up and seems to be right at heart level. So when I share what God's told me (cause i'm usually harder on myself than others) then I can just get the point out there and direct the fire at me, but sharing the truth with them. 

The other thing I worry about is that I want them to follow and like me rather than follow God. I know when you put it in point-blank words, then it's obvious it's wrong and easy to correct. But I don't want to subtly or psychologically back into this and find myself wanting power. It's a complicated process because I'm still fighting the confidence thing, especially around guys, so I want them to like me and comment on what I'm doing is right, but at the same time I kind of want them to argue with and correct me so that I know they're listening to God and not me. But I, in my prideful and lacking confidence way, suck at taking criticism and fear if someone corrects me, I will lose respect and authority in their eyes and they won't listen to me. (rather what God says through me). So God I pray that you keep me focused on you and what and how I can serve you. God I pray that they would follow You in me and not me at all. I pray that I would only spark an interest for you, no a forestfire, that you would light them on fire. God please use me not to raise me up, but help me be an example of what a man of God looks like, not to be the example, but so that they have something to look upto. God you've given me Zack and Dustin and I thank you so much for them. Having a tangible example in front of me has helped me so much. But I don't want to be like them, I want to far pass them and pass David, the guy after your own heart, I want to be so close to you. But I also want to be an example for them. I love my relationship with you and where you're taking it, but I would almost rather everyone have a working and growing relationship with you, even if it means mine is kind of sucky. I dont know if I can pray for that. I know thats not what you want and that it's kind of on opposite ends for that when we are passionately in-love with you and growing with you others will see. But this semester when I been the worst have people gotten to know you. Wait, no thats a lie. This semesters has not been the worst between me and you. This semester between me and you has probably been one of the best. It hasn't been all joyous or all powerful or easy, but it has made me so dependent on you. I think part of the reason why peole have gotten to know you or more about you is because "ah-duh" I've actually went outside my comfort zone to talk about you. I have started to be obedient and faithful when it didn't make sense and when it was further than my reach. 

God, the other thing I need to talk to you about is this relationship thing. I am bumfuzzled. I can't really tell if its from you or from me. I finally got to the point where I don't really want a relationship and that it's kind of impractical now at this stage to have one. But that's kind of what you wanted, because I can serve you so much better alone. (or so I think). But still my inside jumps at the thought of someone else. (granted I've pushed the ceiling down so much that it's not a big jump, now it's more of a dribble.) But I don't want my heart to run with this. I've been fighting it so long. I've started out asking for reasons why not, and begging for reasons not to, but now I'm kind of in between just waiting for reasons either way. God the talk with Zack the other day helped alot. I know the thought's I should probably ask for, but it's hard and I'm not sure I can make it to that point. God help show me what your will is here. I'm asking for you to take this away if it's not from you. Take whatever is not from you away, let me know it's me desiring this and not you. Is it me getting carried away, AGAIN, or is this you. God please take away all this temptation. I feel/fear that I am starting to get my joy from the idea and her rather than from you and God I don't want that. I've done it too many times before. God let me rejoice in you and your ways. I thank you for the people you've put in my life, for the opportunity just to get to know them and be part of their life. God I want you. You are more than enough, and I don't want to forget that or replace you with anything.

I don't know if I can pray for you to let me love one woman and let one woman love me. Maybe thats why it's been easier to let go is because I know that girls actually like me and that I'm attractive, so I'm ok with that, and I don't know how I'll adjust if none of them do. Well, I know how I will adjust and I know how I should adjust, I just dont know how to skip the first and just go to how it should be. God help me be ok with just you. Not anyone else. Not the idea of anyone else. Not the fact that I could have others, but God, just you and only you. Bring me to the place where I can honestly pray and want for only one woman to love and for only one woman to love me. I know that it's your plan, but the other controlling side say what about everything else. What about now, what bout all these feelings inside, but God like you've promised and proven before, that your best is soo much better than anything here or in between. God take my heart. Take it far away from me. Let her find it in you.  God let the one woman just amaze and flabbergast me, but let all others be princess in your castle, let them be daughters to me that I can help protect and love. 

God please use this solitude time to be with and strengthen me. My relationship with you. Your ministry through me. God help me remember (preferably with removing people or instances or hurting the heart), but just help, please, change my mind set and let it be set and focused on you.

Mono?

I've been debating weather or not I should tell people I have mono. I've told the leadership team and the servant leadership team. Part of me says no, don't they'll make a big deal out of it. Part of me says yes, the more people know the more people can pray. So I've been going back and forth between weather or not people should know. The more I think about it, the more it seems as if the reason it's no is selfish and prideful.

I dont know why, but no one really wants to show when they're hurting or when they're not 100%. We think it makes us tougher or stronger. In the words of the Bridge Band, "I don't want to be strong, I want to be weak. Cause when I'm weak, I know You're strong."

Anyways I've been going back and forth and praying about it. Maybe it's because I don't want anyone to know so they don't treat me like a little baby. Maybe it's because I don't really want to admit I can't do everything to everyone. Maybe if I'm weak people think they can't trust me in my decisions in cru. Maybe it's because people wouldn't come to me for help, but instead they would keep it inside. I want to help, I love to help. It unfortunately is what keeps me going some days is when I can help other people.

I do want to do it so other people know I'm not just a gloomy gus. (or is that prideful in caring what other people think of me?) But I want to get to know people and hang out with them, and I don't want people to think I don't care. People could know so they know not to expect me to be doing everything I usually do. It will help give other people a push to take the initiative to step up. I do want people to know because last night Kristen asked me if I had it and after I admited it she asked how are you doing all of this? (cru stuff - setting up, playing, everything) and I just pointed up. I want people to know that I have absolutely no strength of my own. It is only what God supplies me that keeps me moving ahead. Which sadly enough is true everyday for everyone, but it took me to be scraping the bottom of the barrel before I would realize that. But I want people to see that it's God who's keeping me going. I could also just use the prayer. I'm a firm believer in it. It's worked pretty well for me for a while now so we'll go with it. Plus, I felt so touched and cared for when Kristen said, well I'm praying for you. It was such an encouragment to know that someone I don't really know that well cares enough to spend time talking to the creator of the universe for me.

I hit two verses today:
Mark 4:21-24
He said to them, "Do you bring in a lamp to put it under a bowl or a bed? Instead, don't you put it on its stand? For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open. If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear."

"Consider carefully what you hear," he continued. "With the measure you use, it will be measured to you—and even more.

.

^I kind of feel like God's going yep. You should tell people. It's not about you. I looked up the words disclosed -(to make known; reveal or uncover) and consealed (To keep from being seen, found, observed, or discovered; hide.) and neither one of those helped me back out of telling people.

James 5:14-16

Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

.

Yeah, I almost feel like a bit of a hippocrit because other people will tell me stuff and I"ll be like we'll lets tell people and let them be praying and all. I'll almost get mad at people when they won't let other people know so they can pray. But it's easy to help someone else, no one likes to admit their hurting or that people shouldn't know. It's easy to look at someone else adn say yeah we'll pray and lets get this and this adn this and lets go, but I dont want to make a big deal about me. I don't want people to know I'm hurting. I don't want people to think I'm a trooper, (selfishly yes, but I want whatever I do to point to God and show that it's only him behind me lifting up my lifeless body and carrying it through.)

So it looks like the more I talk about this, the more it seems obvious to tell people. "To live life transparently so others may see what's inside of me," was one of the things that came about this summer and I realized I need to do, and now I know what I need to do.

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"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

- 2 Corinthians 12:9

Ticked.

So I woke up this morning, already ticked. I've went to bed ticked the last two nights at a certain individual and tried not to be. Then this morning I woke up just ticked off. I tried to think of why and all of the reasons I came up with were ridiculous, probably true, but just dumb. So I tried to reason them out and prove why i shouldn't be mad.

Went to church and just excited to be able to rest in Gods house and listen to his word and be ministered to and be filled. Nope, that didn't happen. The music was alright, but me and God talked about how I'm going to worship whether or not I feel like it. Then the preaching started. His point was about how God was the 3 in one person, and although, he probably meant well, it didn't come off that way. The points he made were false. and i'm not saying that because they hurt me or caused conviction but because I have biblical proof that counteracts what he said. God's essence is love.. . FALSE. I could go off on that one but thats not true. God's essence is not love it's Holiness. God is love, but his essence is Holiness. If essence was love then there would be no need for the cross. He would jsut say oh, i love you, it's ok, i forgive you. but instead he's holy and can't be around our crap, sin. So love provoked the act that allowed us to have an option to be with him.

The preacher, I felt like he just used big "church" words. which granted it is in church, but it takes me long enough to understand what he was trying to say, so how could I bring in a friend who wants to start coming to church and be like here. Plus, now, he is using scripture, but it's just so fast no one can keep up with him by looking them up and they're not on the screen so it seems as if he's just preaching his agenda. He has a point and here's a verse to back it up and heres a point and heres a verse, and it just goes and goes and goes and I couldn't even write down his points fast enough to keep up.

Maybe part of it has to do with mono. All of my senses and though process and actions and everything is slowed down and doesn't function the way it should. So it takes me longer to understand things or to react or to process, and it doesn't process fast enough to keep up.

I'm tired of being tired. I'm wore down all the time so I have to leave things early and am not able to do the things I want to. I work real hard just to make it through classes and get my work done, so that I can rest on the weekend. But then on the weekend comes everyone has free time and wants to do stuff, so I either run myself even more into the ground and get to have fun, or bail out and don't get to do stuff.

yeah part of me is jealous and prideful. I worked pretty hard to get this weekend to go right, (not really all that hard, but considering my maximum capacity is alot lower now, it was pretty hard) and at the end no one really thanked me. and I know i sound like a jerk because it wasn't about me it was about them and them having a good time, which I think they did. But I don't really know if they did have a good time. Last year when we gave the girls roses and cards they flipped out and were so amazed and awestruck, this year we gave them roses, baked, rented a movie, took them out to dinner, and they just kind of expected it. Like oh thats nice, no one was reallly suprised at the roses, and dinner was a little confusing. some people kept trying to leave before we had a chance to suprise them with theirs more to come. It's not that their not excited, but it just seems like the more of everything we try to do this year fails and last year it went so well. with everything in cru. and this is just one more thing to notch onto the top. I think the girls did have a good time, i'm not sure if the guys did much to help them have a good time or just gave them an excuse to be girls together. we were just a reason to get dressed up and taken out to eat. so the girls could have a good time together. which they had a good time, so thats good, but the idea was so that we could show them how guys were suppose to be and instead it was more of the girls jsut hanging with girls.

Jud taught swing dancing, which is awesome and i'm so glad that the other guys are stepping up and that whenever i'm in a bad mood things can still go on. That it doesn't revolve around me, but dancing always makes me feel like a loser. I feel like such a failure cause I can't dance. Even when the opportunity arises its like it just shows my imperfections and pokes fun at it. Then everyone tries to get me to because God has gifted me with natural abilities in other things, but I feel so embarrassed and ashamed when i try to dance. I feel like a failure.

I just want to be able to be myself again, sometime. That would be cool. I feel like i'm in this state of in-between. Of someone else and who I am. Sometimes I'm acting like someone else and sometimes I'm fighting to just get back to who I am and acting like myself. I never felt like I could do it over the summer. I couldn't be myself so I thought once I got back to school I could, and now that i'm back here i still find it hard to. Now i'm waiting until after mono. Occasionally I feel like I can be myself, but what happened to just relaxing and being myself. I feel like none of the freshman know who I really am. Maybe that's just prideful. I want them to know me as the funloving crazy guy who's a blast to be around and loves God more than anything and is willing to serve them and help anyone he can. But I'm so tied down I can't go serve anyone, especially with mono, and because of all the cru crap at the beggining of the year I haven't been able to be my crazy wild self. AHHHH. Its just frustrating.

It makes me question who I am. really. who am I? I know I'm God's. but as a person is this who I am now? I said i want to be able to be myself again, but is this it? Am I myself? How long are you in a state of chaos does that state of chaos become your normal. My waviness is now who I am? The freshman know me not as others know me. My new constant state has no certainty, no normalcy. It has no stableness. I keep waiting til after something so that I can be myself again. I'm always waiting for something else to happen before I can be myself. After project. After school starts. After cru gets in the swing of things. After this project. After Satan quits attacking me or atelast it eases up. After i get over mono. Will there ever just be a time of enjoyment? But I guess I just have to enjoy the time thats here now. Lifes not the destination of after something it's the journey. All the things that we go through help define who we are. So I should enjoy the ride. . . wherever it leads me.

I was excited because after talking to Meghan and Sarah did I realize that my mind processes fast. It works fast

A note from a friend

So I was talking to a friend and he/she let me read something they had wrote and it seemed to put what I had been feeling into words alot better than I have been able to. Apparently its not depression, its this funk thats been going around. Anyways here it is:

"I want things back to normal. My normal, the ridiculous live life to the fullest impulsively subborn jumper me. I dont know what has happened. I feel so empty and heartless. I have no passion or reason. I miss laughing and smiling, even jumping. Most of the time, my jumps were stupid and the consequences difficult, but it's better than this nothingness. Atleast jumping was doing something. I'm doing stuff, but thats it, like going through the motions. Not apathy. There is some apathy. What kills me, is like today when Chris's dad had a heart attack, I wanted to help but I couldn't. It's like I'm drowning. I can't hold anyone up, not even myself. There's still apart of me fighting, but fot he most part, I'm giving up. I can't bring myself back this time. Neither can Abram or Sherri. My biggest passion, the reason for everything I do, is helping people and I can't do it anymore. I'm so far gone that I can't even help myself. I dont know what to do and I'm scared. I don't like this. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster, only taking 2 seconds to go from teh top to the bottom or balancing on a tightrope where the least little shift could send me to the ground.

Something else that hurts is seeing the pain and concern on my friends faces. They dont know what to do either. They can pray and try to love me, but I'm rejecting it. All of a sudden I'm rejecting God too. I know it and I dont want to go to Him. I was so in love with HIm and I dont know where it went.

Everyday, I look at my pictures, laughing w/my friends, jumping off cliffs, kayaking, smiling,. I see loved ones who I can't help, who can't help me. I see BJ and Tanner who take all that life offers and I want it. Last night, I watched Abram play the drums. He stuck his tongue out and was bouncing around, full of passion and love and God. I wanted it so bad; I was so envious! I have flashbacks to the way things were and I want it, any little piece I can get. I feel trapped in my body. And I dont have a heart, like if someone told me they loved me or if they tried to hurt me, I wouldn't feel it either way. Longing, that's the main feeling and helplessness. I can't go home and I can't stay here. I've outgrown all my masks. . . ."

addition

so i apologized for being argumentative to JR but i thanked him for listening to me and by me arguing helped me talk to someone and better understand and define it. and he said its ok that me being argumentative just showed him how upset i was. i dont think he fully understands, but he's getting closer. he's trying, i think.

he imed me later saying
ivegotsenioritus (1:09:49 AM): btw, the random witness i had the other day just informed that he has been saved.

God is still good. always good. i am frustrated cause i haven't got to have a conversation like that, but jr did get to. and a soul is freed from hell and is not fully loved. i'm not jealous that he helped someone into heaven. it was more of a pat on the back from God saying, see, you helped do that. you helped pull JR up and then I could use him to reach this other kid that i love. my heart still hurts, maybe i'm just tired, but maybe one gash is a little less open.

goodnight.

tired of this

i'm so tired of this. i dont know what it is. i wish i did.
I dont know what i'm suppose to do. God I'm calling out with whats left of me. just hold me tonight. I can't do this much more.

I dont know if this is God breaking me.
I dont know if its me not listening to God and trying to do my own thing and it going extremely hard.
i dont know if im doing the right thing, even when it's not easy, like Elijah
I dont know if i'm just going through spiritual attacks for doing whats right
i dont know if i'm suffering from depression
i dont know if i'm just thinking too hard
i dont know if i'm doing whats right or if i'm going my own way
i dont know if i'm trying too hard or if this is what i'm suppose to be doing
i dont know if its because i'm not doing something i should be with God? but Gods not really like that
i dont know if its because i have no one to talk to so all of these thoughts are stuck in my head rumbling around.


i just want to be able to remove myself from this situation. step away from this time and place. i'm tired of being here and now. why can't i just be like i used to? Why is everything so much more complicated?

i dont think anyone really understands whats in my head. i dont fully understand so how can I expect them to? i try to explain it. God said not to be as intimate with girls but to be more intimate with guys. but when i've tried guys are so quick to offer explenations and surface-level solutions. guys just want to fix it.

i feel like i'm trying to hold my heart together. like i've got a rope wrapped around it and its pumping with all it has, but it's about to give up. not give up, give in maybe? just quit. not death, but quit caring, quit trying. maybe thats what I need is to quit trying, but look at all the people would be let down. look at all of the people i've let down this semester.

God asked me to do a few things, but i haven't done them. not that i'm ignoring them, just that i haven't put forth the effort to do those things specifically. i want to be more outward focus and share the reason i'm like i am. but we've had 3 weeks of school and not once have i got into a relationship about God outside of cru. some boy at wvu went on a summer project and has led 13 people to christ already. i'm not jealous about his success, but his efforts. he's actually out there and doing stuff, and i'm already stuck here back in the same old thing doing the same old thing and not making a difference.

or am i doing a difference? i'm not talking to girls as much, i'm trying to break down 'christian' stereotypes. but i'm also not saying anything about Jesus. am i not suppose to for now, or am i suppose to now and not doing it?

convo with JR
ivegotsenioritus (12:24:36 AM): Do your best, and God will do the rest
A Superman 4 JC (12:26:06 AM): but what is my best
A Superman 4 JC (12:26:17 AM): i dont even know what i'm suppose to do to do my best
A Superman 4 JC (12:26:37 AM): i'm just trying to swim in a drier, trying to fly in a tornado
A Superman 4 JC (12:26:52 AM): and the tornado hasn't stopped yet
A Superman 4 JC (12:27:16 AM): i'm waiting for it to spit me out somewhere so i can find my bearings and see what i am suppose to do or what i was suppose to do, but just round and round it goes
A Superman 4 JC (12:28:13 AM): occasionally i'll catch a glimpse of the ground below to guess at my surroundings, but only enough to keep me fighting

if God wants me to be open, he's got it. i dont understand how this is helping cause i feel like its just me bleeding all over people, my heart gushing out onto people, staining there clothes. i'm almost afraid my heart only has so much blood before it bleeds dry. not that by opening my heart i'm letting it bleed. it's bleeding, i'm just not covering it up and letting others see that it is.

i know most of this doesn't make since and its kind of jumping from problem to problem, but my mind is so overloaded its not funny. i asked God to show me what to fix and he showed me alot. I can't do all of this, he knows i can't, why show me soo much? my mind is overloaded. i can't improve all of this. i have to focus on one thing at a time to improve myself. i cant fix all 4 or 5 big things he's telling me. theres so many others that get left out. and he knows there are going to be things left out so why would he hold all of those things against me. it's what graces is about, right? he's treating me legalistically. which just saying that means it's probably not him who's doing it. but why would satan make me feel bad about not sharing the gospel with the campus?

ivegotsenioritus (12:29:46 AM): hmm...sounds like you've been busy
A Superman 4 JC (12:35:05 AM): yeah well, the mind never stops
ivegotsenioritus (12:37:20 AM): but that's how God created you...maybe one day you can figure out how to use all this analyzing to your advantage
A Superman 4 JC (12:39:38 AM): God didn't create me to live like this
A Superman 4 JC (12:39:41 AM): that i'm certain

it's true, thats one thing, maybe the only thing i know about me. I'm not suppose to live this stressed this overwhelmed. i seriously will not live long like this. maybe a couple of years, couple of decades even, but not nearly as long as I should or near the quality of life i should. but it's not about me and that I should live great, cause this life I have is not mine to live. but how could/can i make a difference if i'm living not the way i'm suppose to?

tonight i feel like i could take on the world, kamikaze style

I'm ticked off so I'm ready to just go fight the world. I wanted to say 'tonight I feel as if i could take on the world and win.' But then I realized that that would be a positive thing like 'i'm going to change the world.' and i'm not in a 'change-the-world' mood. i'm in more of a 'there's alot of crap thats wrong mode and i'm ticked off enough to do something about it.' but to change the world, you have to have tact. tact and i aren't speaking right now. there's alot of testosterone pumping through my veins and theres so many arguments in my head ready to explode out like a pipe bomb covered in knives. each knife has a certain purpose and often times needs to be delicately used, but i'm ready to just chuck it.

all of that to say this, it's kind of like i'm ready to go fight, knowing I won't win, but fight until i collapse and burn out. It's like when you just kick and scream and cry and you know it's not going to get any better, but you just do it until your physically exhausted. I feel like i'm about to go into battle fighting with all I have making a brief impact, then collapsing in the battlefield, the enemy who is already surrounding me closes in to finish me off.

while as tactfully and more patiently, you can fight longer from the edge as you take on one at a time, with either help behind you, or a wall that atleast the enemy cant surround.

Let it out

I wanted to call it let it into the light with the name of untangledoutside because I feel like theres so much tangled up inside in confusion wrapped with lies and uncertainty, but getting it out and making it clear in the light will bring solutions, clarity, and peace. 

I need a guy. As weird as that sounds, I need a guy to confide in and be intimate with. Not the sexual kind, but the personally kind. I realized last year that one fact why there wasn't alot of guys in cru is because there wasn't alot of guys and I had spent alot of time getting close to girls. Girls are more emotional and better listeners, and more open, so it's much easier for a male to be open to females. It's how they're created. But guys understand guys. Guys who try to open up and get council from girls do understand girls better, but they get a process that isn't quite right because girls don't have all the information on how males work.  Everyone needs someone to talk to and express their ideas and opinions. 

I feel all alone. I know i'm not. But I feel like I am. I've talked to so many people in the past who say, if you ever want to talk let me know. Those people are: Sarah Holdren, Kayla, Sarah Wilkins, Carly, Ashley, Sherri. . . all girls. JR has said it too and Jonathan Rollins, but I dont know if I can trust them or if its my uncomfortablility, or the fact that they have alot on their mind. Or the fact that it's going to take alot of work to talk to them and be open, where as its easier with some of the other people, because I already have that relationship built up and they know the story. Then there's Dustin. Dustin has graduated and is trying to move on in life so I dont want to call him and bring him back into everything. I'm not even sure what there is to bring into. I dont know what to say except the fact that it would be cool just to hang out for a bit. But hanging out involves relaxing and just being, but I can't just be and relax around a bunch of guys because I dont know them very well. I know girls well and can relax and chill.

The girls are doing a great job of this though. Sherri, Swilkins, and Kayla and Kourtney have all been grouping together. Tacy even has been joining them and jennifer. They are doing a good job of bringing in new people and making them feel welcome. They all have their happy little group to go with and on. I have. . . no one I can just chill out and be with. Gods saying you need to get guys mroe involved hangout with them and share, but I  feel like I'm doing this on my own. I feel like it's all up to me and I can't do it by myself. I need help. I need a guy. Do I really have any guy-guy friends? ok I guess i have some aquiatinances, but any like good Christian guy friends? 

We, as guys, need a stronghold on this campus. We need a group of men willing to stick to the bible, follow furiously, violently take on sin, stick up for women whenever other men are being jerks, love them the way they deserved to be loved, love each other the way we were made to be, be open with each other so that there is no weak link left undefended. We will prevail, we will fight, we will build together, each guarding another, ready to take on the world, with the overcoming power within us, together. as brothers. as soldiers. as men.

Hows is this going to happen? . . . I dont know yet.